4.29 The 'L' Word

 "I love you." He looked so serious. Like he'd wanted to say it for a while. She felt sick.
"No." She whispered, closing her eyes and turning her head away.
"Yes. I wanted you to know before I went away."
"Just... Just don't do this, Winter." Her voice barely audible as she pushed him off her and slipped off the bed.
"Kaity..."
"No." A tear rolled down her cheek, and she marched to the ensuite, slamming and locking the door behind her.

Winter followed her to the door and stood outside listening to her sobs for a moment, wondering how he'd misjudged her reaction so badly. He'd ran this through in his head over and over for weeks, and although most of the scenarios didn't include her saying it back, none of them ended with her locked in the bathroom crying.
"Kaity? I'm sorry. I won't say it again. Just come out and we'll go to sleep."
"Go away." Was the muffled reply. A knock at the bedroom door drew Winters attention, and Shaena's voice called through.

"Everything alright in there?" She sounded worried, Winter walked around the bed and opened the door to avoid Kaity hearing them talking.
"We're fine." He sighed. "Just a misunderstanding, that's all."
"Ok." Shaena looked sceptical and peered over his shoulder, looking for Kaity. "It's just, I heard a scream and then a door slammed or something hit the wall..." She sighed a shakey breath. "Sorry. I know you wouldn't... I just assumed..."
"It's ok." Winter rested a reassuring hand on her shoulder, and Shaena nodded.

"What have you done to our mummy?" Sophies voice demanded from just down the hall, and Winter turned to see the twins glaring at him.
"Jay, Soph, go back to bed. Your mummy is just overreacting, you know what she's like." Shaena smiled at the girls to show everything was fine.
"We want to see her." Jaydean announced.
"You can see her in the morning." Shaena turned and herded them back to their room, mouthing 'good luck' over her shoulder to Winter, who forced a smile before shutting the door again and returning to his post by the bathroom.

"Are you ok?" He asked to the door. There was a silence broken only by a few sniffles before Kaity responded.
"What do you want me to say? 'I love you too'? I can't do it, Winter. I'm sorry. Why would you put me in this position?"
"I don't want you to say anything. I just wanted you to know how I felt about you before I went away. I thought maybe you wouldn't worry as much if you knew." Winter sat himself on the floor, realising he'd probably be there a while.

"I know you're not ready to say it back." He continued. "I don't mind. You'll get there one day."
"How long?" Kaitys voice asked back.
"How long until what?"
"How long have you loved me?" She whispered.

"I don't know." He hesitated, thinking over his answer. "I didn't realise I loved you until after the conference, but I must've fallen in love while we were there." There was no reply, so he continued. "I'm not saying it was love at first sight, I know you'll tell me off if I say something that 'cheesy'." Kaity couldn't help but smile a little, that was exactly something she'd have done.
"You're exactly the kind of idiot to believe in love at first sight." Winter could hear the smile in her voice, and breathed an inward sigh of relief. "Why, though?"

"Why am I an idiot?" Winter asked. "I don't know, you'll have to answer that one."
"No! You just proved why you're an idiot, because that wasn't even what I was asking." Winter breathed a laugh and the annoyance in her voice. "Why do you love me?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"That's a rubbish answer. You need to work on that for next time."

"Why don't you come out of there and I can start working on it now?"
"I'm not coming out yet. I can't look at you."
"Why not?" Winter asked, confused.
"I just can't, ok?" Kaity snapped. She was trying not to cry, and trying to work out what to say and how she felt. I really like him... But love him? I don't know. How does anyone know? Everyone says 'you just know', but how? Is there something I'm supposed to look for? Some moment when everything changes? 

"Do you want me to go?" Winter's voice broke her thoughts.
"No."
"Do you want me to sleep on the couch?"
"No."
"Do you want me to come in there?"
"No."
"I can put a mask on so you don't have to look at me?"
"No." Kaity giggled. "Just... Just wait."

There was silence both sides of the door for a few minutes. Winter listened to Shaena talking to the twins, maybe reading them a story, or maybe trying to convince them not to come barging into their mothers room.
"Are you still there?" Kaity's voice was quiet and unsure.
"Of course I am." He replied. "Are you ok?"

Without answering, Kaity took a deep breath and launched into a speech. "I'm not gunna sit here and tell you that my knees go weak whenever I see you, or that I have to stop myself from giggling like a child when your name comes up on my phone." She paused, and Winter was unsure whether he was supposed to respond. "How am I meant to tell you that my heart literally aches at the thought that I won't see you for a whole week? I'm not the kind of girl who can sit there and talk soppy mush all night, and I'm not the kind of girl who even knows what to say in these situations." There was a longer pause than before so Winter started to speak.
"But-"
"No, don't interrupt me, please."

"I enjoy spending time with you. And I know the kids love having you around... You've been a massive help, raising them, I mean. Hopefully none of them will have got my temper because I don't think I could handle that the way you do." Another pause. "I know that most of the time I'm clumsy and stupid and do and say all the wrong things, and never think things through before I do them... And I know that sometimes you must just want to hit me for being so stupid, but you don't. Some how you look past all the stupid things I do, and all the hurtful things I say. Some how you don't care that I call you names, and you always know exactly what to say to calm me down when I get angry." Winter was smiling now, but still didn't respond when she paused again.

"For whatever reason, all it seems to take to calm me down is for you to put your arm around me, or hold my hand, or even just say my name." She stopped and sighed. "I don't really know what I'm saying here, so I'll just stop talking before you fall asleep." Winter heard the door unlock and stood up as Kaity opened the door.

"Thank you." He said, pulling her to him.
"For what?" Was the strained reply. "Winter! I can't breathe!"
"For saying that." He loosened his grip.
"I was just rambling..."
"It was a very beautiful ramble." He muttered before lifting her head and kissing her.

 "Winter, stop." Kaity moaned, pulling out of the kiss and attempting to push him away. "This is too fast." Winter couldn't help but laugh, and he stroked her cheek to attempt to erase the angry expression forming. "Why are you laughing at me?!"
"I'm not. Well, I am, sorry. Do you remember what you said a few months ago? You told me we weren't going fast enough, and now this is too fast?"
"Yes." Kaity mumbled, while wriggling her way out of his grip.

"Where are you going?" Winter asked, taking her chin in his hand and caressing her face.
"Just stop, Winter." Kaity sighed. "Stop trying to touch me and cling onto me. I won't float away if you let go."
"Kaity." He leaned to kiss her but she turned her head. "Kaity. I'll be gone in the morning and you can have all the space you want. Can't I just hold you one last night?" Kaity turned back to look at him and studied his face for a while.
"Ok." She sighed after some thought. "But-" She was cut off as he sat himself down, and pulled her into his lap to kiss her.

"Let me talk!" Kaity mumbled into his lips.
"Nope." He replied, before pulling her onto the bed.

"You do far too much of that. Sleep. Talk later, after you've had your space." Kaity complied, and fell asleep in his arms for the last time for a week, feeling a little giddy.

_____

"Daddy!" Autumn shrieked.
"Autumn! Stop!" Kaity winced. How could one little boy scream so loud? "I've already told-"
"Daddy!!!" He screamed again, she could have sworn it was somehow louder.
"AUTUMN!" She shouted. She didn't really want to, but it was the only way he'd listen at this stage. It worked, and he instantly stopped squirming and just sat in her arms whimpering and sniffing. "I already told you that daddy isn't here. Remember? He's gone to China."

"'Coz he hate me." Autumn whined before burying his head in Kaitys hair.
"Tummy!" Kaity said surprised, before snuggling him. "You know he doesn't hate you. You overreact so much sometimes..." She trailed off as she realised she did exactly the same thing constantly.
"You only one what love me." He mumbled gloomily.
"Don't be silly! Lots of people love you, you know that. What's wrong?"
"I want daddy time."
"Well daddy isn't here, but you can have mummy time."

"No." Autumn protested.
"No what?"
"No more mummy time. I go play now."
"But you're my baby Tummy!" Kaity gasped, fake upset. "How can I manage if my baby Tummy won't play with me?" Autumn giggled at her, before kicking his legs around wanting to be let down. "Fine. I guess mummy will just be lonely." Kaity kissed him before setting him down.

Autumn walked shakily over to the changing station.
"Mummy sit here. I tell you story."

Kaity sat. Really she should have been getting herself and Autumn ready for work, but she was well aware that time would fly before Autumn was at school and didn't want 'mummy time' anymore.
"What's the story about?" She asked.
"One apon a time there was a crincess called mummy." He began, and Kaity smiled.

"She spended all day poliss pwetty stones, and having a meeting. Then one day she get on a motorbike and was like 'brum brum brum' and then she buyed a house. And then she have two big sister crincesses who was pwetty like her and they went to school like big girls. But they wasn't very good at school because they is naughty sisters. And then she telled them off and they magicked a China who given her a King what she call Tummy." Kaity burst out laughing.

"No laughing mummy, this is very serious."
"Sorry." Kaity apologised, but couldn't keep the grin from her face.
"Then the King made a parcel and the mummy crincess ate it and she said she loved the King more than anything in the world. And then they got married."
"Autumn, mummy's can't marry their babies."
"Yeah! Sophie says that mummys marry boys what are the ones they love the mostest, and you telled me that you loved me the mostest out of all the boys."

 I should have known the twins would get him in on this too... Kaity thought.
"I do love you the mostest, but mummies can only marry daddies." ...What did I just say? She asked herself, shocked.
"You marry daddy then? Ok. And then the King said to the crincess that she will marry the China..."
"Wait... Daddy is the China? Why?"
"'Coz you said! And then the China and the crincess and the big sister crincesses and the King all lived in the house and was happy ever after. The end. And they get a dog. The end." Kaity sat in silence, trying to work out what just happened. "You no like my story?"

"Yaaaay!" Kaity clapped, "I loved your story, of course! I just didn't know it was finished."
"I said the end."
"Sorry, baby. Shall we get changed?"
"But we didn't get a dog."
"Maybe another day. When you're a bit older." Kaity laughed.

This is gonna be a loooong week... She thought as she picked her son up.




'Crincess' is princess, incase you couldn't work it out. That's how I used to say it when I was learning to talk still.